They camped that night on the edge of the forest. Cosimo and Felice stood beyond the firelight watching the fading day. The sun had just set and there was still a lot of light over the horizon in the west towards the Loro Mountains. Felice looked back at the group round the fire, his attention called by an outburst of laughter; he was not surprised to see it was from Manueline. She was showing Libby how to prepare some roots that Drem had gathered earlier in the day; waving a knife under his nose and remonstrating with him for taking too much off. Illumina and Wals were visible under the trees beyond them, seeing to the horses, evidently talking quietly to each other as they worked either side of one of the animals. Felice had one hand on Cosimo's shoulder and turned towards him as he looked back. As he turned to look at the sunset again, he found himself looking into Cosimo's face. Cosimo smiled, jerking his head towards the group around the fire. "Who do we follow?"
"You mean, you think they will split up? It's not what the Margrave had in mind. I sometimes wonder what he did have in mind. It seems like an incredible risk to take, sending Illumina into the Low Country with the North Lord blocking the way and the following on the rampage."
Cosimo had been looking again at the horizon but turned to Felice and smiled, putting a hand over the hand that was still on his shoulder. "We survived the North Lord, literally survived him as he's now dead, maybe we'll survive the following as well." He patted Felice's hand, "Anyway, the Margrave doesn't gamble lightly; when he holds a valuable piece he's also not a man to hide it away somewhere, fearful of losing it. Illumina is a powerful piece in this game; I have the feeling we have only seen the beginning of the opening, there is much of the game still to come."
Felice laughed, "You and your games. Come let's join the others. I'll play a match with you if you like."
Nina had been gathering firewood and coming back, watched them all from the outside. Cosimo and Felice were a natural part of the wider circle of the group, as much as anything, because of the easy friendship between them. Both of them liked Libby but recognized his was a different path in life from theirs. They had lived with and worked for the Margrave all their young lives and felt an intense loyalty to him and through him to Illumina. In any case, Illumina called out of them a loyalty of her own and they felt that as intensely as the connection to Loro and the Margrave. The unlooked for friendships between Libby and Manueline and between Wals and Illumina were both pulling the group together and threatening in the long run to break it apart, or at least to drive the group in a different direction than the one they had all assumed it would take. They all felt a sense of purpose and urgency to everything they did, the way they touched each other, the way they looked at each other, all of them except Nina. She was trapped on the outside looking in, trapped by her relationships to Wals and Libby. She was unable to make sense of herself to herself or to those around her. Their mutual perception of senselessness put a bubble of isolation about her, a region in which none of them could breathe. When Illumina tried to approach her, she found herself grasping for something to say, when Nina tried to break out of her isolation she literally felt breathless, unable to get the air into her body. She gave up. She stood on the edge of the group, watching them in helpless isolation.
"I've brought some firewood."
Manueline looked up and thanked her. Nina took a seat on the ground, awkwardly, sitting half on her heels, her hips tipped over to one side, her legs tucked under her. Every evening, as soon as they stopped for the night, she changed out of the pants and shirt she wore for riding, putting a dress on instead. She had started changing as soon as they came into the forest. Once or twice, someone had teased her about it but she responded with a stony look, once saying that everything had its appropriate place and appearance, we only confused the world and damaged ourselves by appearing as something we were not.
Manueline and Libby were on one side of the fire working on the pile of roots stacked on a platter. Nina sat opposite them on the other side of the fire. Manueline watched her out of the corner of her eye. She asked, without looking up, "So Wals is your son." There was not even a flicker of a response from Nina. Cosimo and Felice, who had joined them round the fire by then, looked up, looking at both women and Libby noticeably stiffened. "It must be strange seeing him again after all this time." The reaction round the fire was so strong that Wals and Illumina felt it over by the horses. They stopped what they were doing and walked over towards the fire. Illumina was close enough to hear Manueline ask, "Did you know he was alive?"
Nina finally reacted, like an over strung bow that suddenly snapped she got up on her knees, speaking in a quavering voice, "What do you care? Why would you want to know?"
It was evident to everyone that the questions were just rhetorical, or not even that, they were questions Nina was asking herself, she did not expect any answer. Manueline was unmoved and chose to take the questions as they were spoken. "I care because I stood by once while he died. I don't know why it happened or what the significance of it might be but I do know it did happen. It came close to killing me as well." She spoke in a quiet level voice but with a clarity and intensity that gave her words an irresistible impetus. "As to why I want to know; it seems to me you have not accepted him back into life, you think he is still dead." Now she spoke with a curious detachment, as though commenting on the state of the food in the pot. "It makes me wonder, how many times does he have to die for you?"
Wals stepped forward coming into the light of the fire, "Manueline, please, don't do this."
She held up her hand, "It seems to me that you are not satisfied with his death. You came to terms with it years ago and don't want to have to face it all over again. Nina, I ask you, how many times does he have to die for you? How many times does he have to die before you will acknowledge his life?"
Nina was breathing heavily and staggered to her feet, "And I ask you, how many deaths do I have to suffer before I can claim one as my own? What price do you want me to pay? What do I have to do to be able to bury the past?"
Manueline and Illumina looked at each other, as they recognized the last question as being out of sequence. They both saw that it was different from the others and came closer to the heart of what troubled Nina. Illumina stood by her and asked, "Why would you bury it? I understand, or at least I think I understand, all the years of guilt and anguish you have been through, but Nina he's back, he's alive. Surely that alone is cause enough for some joy, some light in your life?"
Nina stood, looking at her with a dark, stony expression on her face. She muttered, almost to herself, "He was taken by the woman of the forest. She took him. She wanted him and she made it all happen. The whole thing happened because of her." As she spoke, her gaze fell on Manueline. Manueline looked back, though it was obviously an effort to do so. Nina spoke in a rising crescendo, "You, you took him into the forest. You were the woman. You were the one responsible for his death. You brought death into his world. Now you bring it among us. You should go back where you belong. You should never have touched him." This last was spoken in a voice racked with sobs as she descended into something like hysteria, her head shaking from side to side, one hand repeatedly making a dismissive gesture apparently aimed at Manueline but encompassing all of them as well.
Illumina put an arm round her. Nina's dismissive gesture turned into an attempt to push her away but Illumina would not be pushed. Nina whispered, "Why won't you leave me alone?" Wals came round the other side, trying to reach her and comfort her; she pulled violently away from him. "No, leave me alone, go away. Don't touch me."
Manueline looked on, angered by what she saw, and was about to speak again when Illumina shook her head. Illumina did not say anything but Manueline kept quiet, taking a deep breath and letting it out again, recognizing there was nothing else that anyone could do or say at the time. She felt deeply dissatisfied, both with herself and with Nina. She could not make sense out of what Nina was doing, nor could she make sense out of her own reaction to Libby or her reaction to the relationship between Illumina and Wals. None of it made any sense to her and she did not have the time or the space to consider it all and try to understand it. Instead, she set about organizing the dinner; finding bowls, calling Drem and Brac, both of whom discretely kept at a distance through the discussion with Nina.
The confrontation between Nina and Manueline overshadowed the evening. The conversation round the fire kept dying down as though speech was an effort and they were all tired of it. There were occasional bursts of conversation from one person or another, none of them leading anywhere. No one wanted to go to bed. All of them dreaded the next day and were shaken by the confrontation between Manueline and Nina earlier in the evening.
To follow this thread in the story go to: Everyone a Glimpse
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JP Thompson (patrick@standingwaiting.com)