The Only Way Out

Follow this back to: A Vague Shadow

That evening the five of them sat around the fire, each of them silent within their own thoughts. Illumina was wondering what to say about the events of the day. She knew she was still hovering on the edge of anger with the Prince. It was a curious thing as though the anger was something she had left behind on the riverbank, something she had left somewhere else. Not that it no longer existed, just that it was temporarily out of reach and not something she chose to go and get.

At that moment, she was most concerned about the others. The two men had taken enormous risks in going out on the ice, using the axes, getting themselves soaking wet when it was freezing cold. She looked up and reached over, touching Taddeo on the shoulder, looking across at Cosimo, "Thank you, both of you." She was not sure how to express her gratitude or even quite what she was grateful for. The fact was the men had both listened to her and followed her lead. They had allowed her to take charge and allowed her the credit for rescuing the Prince. When she told them what to do, they did not argue, they just did it and she realized she was profoundly grateful for the trust they had placed in her and the place they had given to her. Taddeo smiled at her, confirming what she thought, saying she had done well; if it had been left to any of the rest of them, the Prince would be dead.

Illumina sat a while thinking again about the events of the afternoon, looking at the Prince and wondering what the experience would have done to him. She had a sense that there was a new respect for him round the group. He had been foolish to go out on the ice, but he had no experience of it and did not have a sense of how fragile the ice could be. The rest of them had seen ice like it before and could sense that it would be dangerous to go out on it; that came from a life of seeing such conditions come round every year.

The Prince had come close to death, maybe he had died. Illumina was sure that the experience would change him and had a feeling that the others felt the same way. She wondered how to bring the change out among them, even whether it was her business to do so. She could imagine that left to himself he would shy away from the experience and revert to what he was.

She asked him, "Do you remember being under the ice?"

He stared at the fire for a while. Illumina almost thought he wasn't going to answer. "Yes I do. I think I passed out when the ice broke and I went under the first time. I don't remember how I pulled myself back to the hole and got my face out of the water. I saw you up on the bank and I heard you shout to me, 'Get to the side. Keep your nose close to the surface. There is air under the ice'. It's strange, I remember thinking about the first thing you said, 'Get to the side.' How could I get to the side when I couldn't climb out onto the ice? I understood perfectly well that you couldn't come out onto the ice after me because you would just go through it as well. 'Get to the side' didn't make sense. Then I thought about the next thing you said, 'Keep your nose close to the surface.' That didn't make sense either. My nose was above the surface, what would it mean to keep it close to the surface? Then I came to the last thing you said, 'There is air under the ice.' That terrified me because I realized that you knew I was going under the ice again."

He was breathing heavily and tears began to run down his face, he repeated himself, "You knew I was going under the ice. It was the only way out for me." He smiled, his lips twisting into an odd grimace of an expression and looked up at her, "So I accepted it, I let go and went under the ice, trying to push myself over towards you, trying to keep my nose close to the surface. I couldn't feel anything but I could see. I saw you through the ice running down the bank, Taddeo and Cosimo coming after you. I saw you come out onto the ice. I think I took a breath, there was some air, but everything gets confused after that. I heard the axes cutting into the ice but I could feel the blows in my body even though I had no feeling left. I think I felt it when Taddeo (was it Taddeo?), when Taddeo grasped my hair and pulled me towards the hole." He shook his head. "I don't know; it was confusing, almost as though I was standing on the ice watching you make the hole and pull me out."

Illumina turned her attention to Nina, not saying anything but looking at her, remembering what she had said when the Prince disappeared under the ice. 'Oh my boy, my boy, after all this.' There was more but Illumina hadn't caught the words in the heat of the moment. Nina was whispering them, not speaking aloud, almost as though she were afraid, even in those extreme circumstances, of speaking so people might hear. Nina sat on the other side of the fire distancing herself from the others, a haggard and exhausted expression on her face as though she had been the one rescued from under the ice. No that was not right, it was as though she had been trapped under the ice and never rescued and now she walked among them like a ghost. Illumina was aware of the tension round the circle stemming from Nina, even the Prince was affected by it.

Illumina got up and went round to sit beside Nina, putting and arm round her. "Are you all right? Do you want to speak about it?"

She felt Nina stiffen at the words but she looked up and forced a smile, "Speak about what? I'm just tired, I expect we all are. We should get to bed."

To follow this thread in the story go to: No Name for Him

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